You knew all along

Reach for what you cannot see.


This applies to swipes.
Along with everything else.

If I ran away...

To Toronto.
To Edmonton.
To be with him.
The only one i think of.

What would happen?
What would I do?
What would he do?

Would he make the jump for me?
For all of it?
At this point...probably not.

But..part of me...wants to.

Are we just a couple of shooting stars who cross trajectories in the vastness of the sky?
Will we fly alongside each other for long, or keep going in opposite directions, heading for different galaxies?
Were we just meant to collide, just to send pieces of our former selves flying to the four corners of the universe?

If so, then why?
Could it be all it was?
Could it be all it is now?
Could it be all it will ever be?

Are we in love with each other?
Or the idea, the concept of each other?
Great! Hypothetical love. Just what I've always wanted.

He has a life I want.
A family. Kids. Financial security. Social Status. Cottage by the lake. Successful career.

Vice-versa.

But what could he possibly see in my life that is so alluring?
I don't have career status: still at "job" level".
Financial security: what is that?
Family: I don't even know what that means anymore.
Social Status: I wear sweatpants and a tuque for a living.
Cottage by the lake: I share an appartment with my friend of 15 years.

Maybe i'm in love with the idea of what my life would be if i got my ass into gear.
If i'd made different choices.
If i had my shit together.
If i had support from the people around me.
If i wasn't the loneliest person in the world.

I can't have my life be a series of "if's".

Maybe it was just awesome sex.
And we couldnt have anything beyond that.

Maybe i just needed to be held.
And feel safe.
Feel loved.
And missed.
And desired.
And wanted.
Needed.

Maybe i needed to feel like it is okay to be me.
When you are the only one around to tell you that its ok to say what you say, and think what you think, and feel how you feel....it gets hard. And the shell gets thicker.
Scarier.

I can't deal with this anymore.
I don't know what to do.

My family is gone.
The friends i had for so long, have faded into a distance that just keeps growing.
The new ones i'd found seem to move on more quickly.
I'm left at a standstill, un-sure of who to turn to.

The support system i'd created myself in recent years feels like an old t-shirt i have now outgrown.

There's this theory that i think buddhists have.
The theory of self-fulfillment.
A friend mentionned it to me once.
I think i should look into it.

A psychic friend who once did my numerology said i was here to teach.
Which i do EXTREMELY well.
I empower people and give them tools they can choose to apply however they see fit to their own lives.
I give them choices.
Did i ever think it would be through breakdance? No way.
But it found me, and now i am finding them.

Or, they are finding me. Somehow.
Not sure how. But they are.

And lately, a few people have told me what an awesome teacher i am.
That they are excited to come back every week to take my classes.

How can i make that grow?
Exponentially.
And collect the rewards.

Thats another thing that has to stop: working FOR other people.
I need to answer to no one but myself.

How can i be doing what i do, but on a gigantic scale?

Help me figure it out.
Tell me.
Show me.
And I'll do it.

I am bigger than this.
Bigger than what this is now.

I am my own.

Where do i go to do it?
Who do i get to help?

I'm going to have to make choices again.
I'm going to have to cut some dead weight loose again.

I'm going to have to figure out how i feel about him.
I can't keep living with how much i miss him.
I can't keep living with the impact of his presence, the hit of his absence.

With every email, phone call, text message, picture...he pulls me toward him one nerve-ending at a time.
How do i tell him?
I dont even know how he feels.
He's got so much to lose.
I have so much to gain.

What makes me feel like i would give up my life here for him?
Would he do the same?

Is it that i feel like i have nothing going on.
Probably.
Everything is so routine.
And not going the way i planned.
Exactly.

I'm surrounded by people who don't care; who are selfish; who are un-focused.
And i usually have to be the one to pick up their slack.
I can't tolerate that anymore.
Can't have it in my life anymore.
Won't.

And i wouldnt mind, its just that these people are usually threatened by my excellence and they put me down.
Don't need that.

He said i awoke something in him.
And he in me.
I have never felt so desired and desirable in my life.
Could he love the person that i am and the life that i lead?
Could i do the same for him?
Shooting star.
Chasing after it.
Blink and you'll miss it.

I would actually consider leaving it all behind here for him.
To be with him.
In Deadmonton.
Or wherever.
Vancouver. Anywhere.

I don' understand the hold he has on me.
It has never happened this way.
Is this love?
Is this love?

Of course, right now, i am far away.
I am an email...well, 40 times a day i am an email.

But im not real.
Im not a threat to it all.
I'm a fantasy. Someone he thinks about when he jerks off.
Does he think about me when he fucks his wife?
I'd be curious to know.

Would i allow his 4 kids into my life?
Of course.
I would love them as my own. And care for them.
I'm sure they'd grow fond of the idea of having a step-dad that breakdances.
Though the idea of having two dads my require some adjustments.
Especially in Alberta.
Shit.

What would our lives be like?
Could he accept what i do for a living?
Would he support my choices?
Would he support me at this point?

It's so weird.
I'm trying to keep a level head.
But he is all i think about.
He is the first thing i think about when i get up in the morning.
He is the last think i think about when i go to bed at night.

Damn it, Brad!
What did you do to me?!

This was supposed to be one-night stand.

And then, that suit.
That night.
Then, two weeks later.
That smile again.
Those eyes.
That night.

The connection was instantaneous.
When he first touched me, and put his hands on me, I felt the electricity coarse through me.
It was chemical.
Like so many other things in my life.

It's like he was turning on the switch again.
Like he was bringing me back to life.
My heart was beating again.

I would marry this guy.
This would be it for me.
I would never look at another man again.

I already don't.
It's weird now.
I look at guys and compare them to him.

How they have nothing on him.
"Oh, he's fine", i think to myself when i see a hot guy, "but who cares? I've got HIM."

Strange.

I can't deal with this.
It's too much.
All of it.

How does the song go?...
Such a heavy cross to bear on your own...
So, whatever you want, the choice is yours...so choose!

I choose you.

What am i going to do?
It could be so long til we see each other.

What if the feelings fade?
What if they don't?

Maybe you are not meant for the life you are living.
Maybe you are meant for bigger also.

I miss you, baby.
He allows me to call him that.
And he calls me that also.
He did.

Is this what it was the last time I was in love?
Am i hanging on for nothing?
Is it worth the fight?

Is it worth the fight?
Is it worth the fight?
Is it worth the fight?
Is it worth the fight?
Is it worth the fight?

Don't leave me again.
Don't let me make that same mistake again.
I have never felt this loss before.
Though the world is closing doors, i never wanted anything more.

Don't leave me again.
You are safe with me.

I have never wanted anything more.
I have never felt this loss before.
I have never wanted anything more.

Don't leave me this way.

He is supposed to call tomorrow.
Every time...it feels so good to hear his voice.
Soothing...Calming...Somehow familiar.
His laugh.

I can't even speak his name.
People might know.
It would be all over for him.

Gave my love to a shooting star
But she moves so fast that i can't keep up.
I'm in love with a shooting star
But she moves so fast when she falls, then i'll be waiting.

I never wanted anything more.
To wake up next to him every morning.
To fall asleep in his arms every night.

Don't leave me again.

There is only so much i can take.
There is only so much my heart can take.

Would i feel the same way were he in montreal?
Probably.
We would just see each other WAY more often.
He would have ALOT of late-night business meetings.

How long could we keep it up?

Don't ever tell me you'll leave.
Don't leave me again.
Don't leave me again.

Don't ever say the words.
Again.

I don't ever want to feel that loss again.
I never wanted anything more.

Where are you now?
Where is your head?
Where is your heart?

Where are you?

Even this high doesn't compare to you.
Even this doesn't give me the feelings you give me.

I know i am going to end up hurt by this.
I am "the other woman"...or in this case...

They never leave the wife.
I will always be second rate.
I will never be the priority.

Hypothalamus...sorry. Glitch. Words in my head.
Short circuit.
High.
Blue notes.
Bassline.
Soundtrack to my illusions.
To my delusions.

Keep your eyes open.
See the light.
See the darkness.
Keep your eyes open.

Brad.
Keep your eyes open.

Music.
Kris Menace again.
Always haunting.
Music.
In my ears.
Head. Brain. Eyes.
Brad.
Shooting Stars.

Don't let it end.
Keep it going.
So I dont have to feel the day.
So I can stay inside my head.
Where it is safe.
Where no one can touch me.

All I want is you.
Inside my head now.
Everywhere inside me now.
Don't deny me, call me back, i'm so alone.
I go mental.
Every time you leave.

He says it's not him trying to look for a way out.
A way to escape.
A means to be able to put his needs and interests ahead of those of others.
He says it's me.
All me.
He can't get over me.

He is so hunky.
And beautiful when he smiles.
Brad. My man.
My baby.
Brad.

Miles away.
Can't stand to be so far from him.
I felt him inside me.
Hottest thing ever.
So warm. So good.

Brad.
His kisses on me.
His hands and arms.
The weight of his body pressed against mine.
His heat.
Him inside me.
His muscular shoulders.

Synapses fire.
Senses surrendered.
Abandonment.

You are my high.
Brad.

Mental.
Alert.
Stereomover.
Discopolis.
Celebration.
No more hesitation.

A new emotion.
I want to walk in the open wind.
I want to talk like lovers do.

Call me naive, but i believe
that we can achieve the love that we need.
A life of power and wealth.
You need love.
To grow.
To achieve.
To learn.
To move.
To succeed.

Clarity comes at a price.
It means you cant ever disconnect from it.
Even if you try, the clarity you posess will be there to remind you...all you need to do is open your eyes.
The answers are always within reach.
Always in sight.

Clarity.
Few people will ever have it.
And those that do will often run from it.
It' s scary to see things for what they really are.

Even when disconnected, i see them still.
Theres no escaping it.
Once you have it, it's yours.

Connection.
Keep it.
It's yours.
Connected.
Stay connected.
Stay tuned.

Get myself connected.

Don' stray from it.
Lock onto it.
Keep it out of sight.
Keep it close to you.
Secret.

Protect is as you would a child.

Brad.
What is this madness?
What are we doing?
Are you hoping to get caught?
How do you feel about your wife after we write dozens of times a day, after you jerk off thinking of me?

Can you risk it all?
Will it be worth it someday?
Am i EVER gonna take up enough room in your life, that you're gonna go: OMG! The only thing that matters is me and him??

Can i risk it?
What if you give it all up and we don't make it.
NO! We will. We would.
He's all i need.

Wanna talk like lovers do.
Call me naive, but love is for free.
Illusions.

You don't have to be a big bucks hollywood star.
You don't need to drive a super car to get far.
You don't need a life of power and wealth.
You don't have to be beautiful, but it helps.
You need love.
Etc.

Talk to me Brad.
It's only been a few days.
What will become of us in 4 months?
Will we fade, and then re-light every time we hook up again?
Staying a standstill forever.

Will the hunger overpower everything?
Will we succomb to desire or hang on to the idea that all this is enough?
That one night every few months is enough?

But he says he has these romantic ideas of me...things he wants to do with me.

Everybody's getting frustrated.
Why should we live with this hatred?
Who's gonna give us the answer?

Brad.
How will we know the right thing to do.
Quit? Keep going? Hoping?

Every time i think im kidding myself, he comes up with all these romantic thoughts and feelings for me. Stuff he is supposed to be doing with his wife.

He was crying on the phone the other week, because he was happy to hear my voice.
It moved me.
I also dont want to have to suffer the First Boyfriend Syndro
He has to be sure we can build something new. He has to be sure he wants to be with ME.

Brad. Where are you?
I havent heard from you in 24 hours.
Where are you?
I miss you.
You are the safe place i go to.
Automatically.
You remind me that i am the loneliest person in the world.
And i need you at my side.

I need you to call me now, damnit!

I'm trying had to dry my tears

I'd have to cry them first.

I really feel like going back to Bathurst is going to turn on a bunch switches.
Switches i`d turned off. And don't remember when.
Out of fear.
Out of hurt.
Out of anger.

For self-defense.
Against the entire world.

But i'm at a point where my life needs to take on meaning.
I need to let the world in.
Well, at least have the option to should i need it.

Finding Bryson again last year opened up a floodgate of memories.
I started making a bunch of connections.
Lights turned on again.
Back to life.
However i want it.

It started shedding light on some of the ghosts that have followed me all my life.
Time to let them go.
Time for them to move on, so i can move on.

It's about time.
After all that has happened.
I feel like i'm coming full circle with all this.

It may not answer all my questions or clear everything up, but it'll be interesting to see what happens to me after.
How it will change me.

But i have a feeling that everything i've hungered for in my life have been deep inside me this whole time.
And going back to see....just see....will unlock doors for me.
It will heal me.
I started saying it a couple of years ago before my surgery: i am ready to heal.
So, let's do it.

I just need to see the house. Perhaps even inside.
The school. Where we played, and ran....and got beat up.
To ride a bike around the old neighborhood.
To see the mall, the park, the sandpit.

I need to see me, us playing in the yard.
Coming home from school.
Playing in the snow.
Fighting.
Being.

I need to see my 12-year old self and tell him that everything's gonna be alright.an
Tell him he can't come with me.
That he needs to go.
That i need to go.
That he is loved.

Nobody can take his place.
He is and always will be number one to me.

Inside, i was a child

Going back to Bathurst in late August.
Haven't been since i was 14.

People ask me why.
Why, after all these years do i feel the need to go back?
What's there to see?
Who am i hoping to run into?

To tell you the truth, i'm not sure.
Apparently, there isn't much left to see and do.
Most people have moved away.

Well, after a few years of thinking things through and tracing back some of the key events in my life...and especially after finding Bryson again last year, i've felt this overwhelming need to go back.
To see.
Just to see.

To bike around the old neighborhood.
To check out the school i went to.
To remember.

I have denied and tuned out my past for so long.
For so long, it was hard for me to let go of things.
So i focused on looking forward and onward, not letting anything hold me down.

And somehow, pulling a 13-hour train ride to go back to a town where my ties are inexistant; where nothing may remain...just to see. Just for kicks.
Seems weird.

But part of me says i might have forgotten part of my childhood over there.
When my parents pulled me from that innocence, i might have forgotten pieces of myself behind.

I think it's time i go get those pieces.

Only when I'm dancing

I'm having second thoughts about this whole dance thing.

I was going on the other day about how i have surrounded myself with idiots.
I have also managed to create circumstances in my life where i find myself working "for" other people, and it annoys me.

It has annoyed me since last august when JoDee and i had our "discussion".

After that, my heart sort of fell out of Sweatshop.
It hasn't been the same for me since.

I need my own project. My own career. My own income, and staff, and projects, and decisions, and shows, and recognition.

Every effort i put into Sweatshop reflects back to JoDee.
It's her business.
She's made that quite clear.

I think she somehow thinks i was trying to hone in on it.
That i was trying to share the spotlight.

She's fragile that way.

Instead of creating a collaboration and allowing me to care the way i have since the beginning, she has, little by little, reduced my involvement in the studio.

Then she wonders why classes are so slow.
Durr.

Her energy is the only thing going into that business at the moment.
It's too big for her i think.

Instead of reaching for and accepting my support, she chooses to be solely responsible and accountable for its success.
And, from a business standpoint (if you want my opinion), its eventual demise.
...is she keeps making the decisions she does.

I just now realize that i know more about running a business and people than most others around me.
And when someone sucks away my drive because they can't share responsibility (or can't afford to pay me under pretenses that a certain amount of classes a week is something i can't handle), then i know it's time to move on.

I've also had my fill of working for bitches in my life.
Enough.

And the resistance she once told me she would get from Helen, probably came from JoDee herself.

Maybe my illusions were smacked around a bit.
Maybe i was a little presumptuous.
Maybe i don't give a crap anymore.

Maybe it's time i use the tools i've acquired in my management and dance careers for a worthy cause.
Mine.

I'm the only bitch i should be working for.

Waiting for your call

Hey!

This is a head's up to all you dumb-fucks out there who text while walking down the street, or order your coffee at Starbucks's while talking on the phone...if i find myself close to you when you pull such ill-mannered crap, i may or may not throw your phone as hard as i can.

If you are one of these people, you just need to understand that, for the time being, you need to go home, lock all your doors and windows so no one can see you, hide under a bed with some food, if you need, and hold your head between your hands.

When we need you to come out, we will let you know.

Those three words are never enough

Sure, they say they love me.
Now.

Where were they when I needed them?
Where were they when I moved out and headed for a new city?
Where were they when i was scared and lonely?
Where were they when Phil and I broke up?
Where were they when my happiness went up in smoke?
Where were they when I fell into drugs so hard I couldn't see my own life in front of my face?
Where are they now that i am making something of myself?

Caught up in their tears and heartache.
Caught in the eye of their destruction.
Unable to see what was going on.
What had been going on for years already.

Too busy caring about the other siblings.

And then they dare to say i have never known pain.
That it's easy for me to say the things i say and do the things i do when i have never suffered.

Fuck you.
Fuck you both really fucking hard.

You say you love me and have always loved and supported me now that you need to repair something.
Now that you feel guilty.
Now that you feel me pulling away.

You think this is something i am doing TO YOU.
How selfish and stupid can you get?
HUH??!!
How fucking selfish are you?
How DARE YOU say that??!!

No one has EVER asked me what all this has done to me.
EVER!!!!!!
What it continues to do to me.
The anger, the rage I feel toward you.
I acknowledge it now.
I set it free.
I accept it.
I let it go.

If i have drawn away it is because i can't stand being around you anymore.
Everyone who suffers less than you or doesn't wish to hear about it constantly is condemned to begin cold and inhuman and selfish and unworthy on your part.

Fuck you.

I walk alone now.
Without you.
Without anyone.

I go it alone.
Because i have been betrayed by people who were my friends for so long.
Because my family has betrayed me, my love, my trust.

Because every time I have instigated change in my life, and i began to make different choices, people judged me and assumed things of me.
No one helped me on my way.
Everyone put me down.
They are jealous, envious, boring.
Stupid.

So now, when people fail to see the light, i walk away.
Peacefully. Quietly.

And they hit still.
They hit.

The fuckers.

I have lost all support system in my life.

And whenever i make an attempt at reconciliation, or try to move in a little closer, i am faced with the grim reality that these people are no longer for me.

And i keep walking.

When i finally accomplish what i have desired in life, in retrospect, i will have no one to thank but myself.
I owe nothing to no one but me.

So keep hitting, fuckers.
One day, you'll get yours too.

As for them...i wish them well.
Without me.

I am free.
Let me be.
Just let me be.

These are my hands...

But what can they give me?

These are my eyes, but they cannot see.
These are my arms, but they don't know tenderness.

I get sick of hearing my own voice tell me lies.
Sweet little lies.

I constantly hear myself say that this is what i want.
That this is all i need.
That the rewards outweigh the dues.
God, i am full of shit.

I'm 34 and unsure of what i have to show for my life.

Life only deals you the obstacles it knows you can work through.
Life can suck it.

One of the problems i have created for myself is that i am perpetually surrounded by idiots.
By people who underestimate themselves.
By people who don't always see themselves in the best of light.

If I allow another alcoholic, addict, sex-maniac, passive-agressive, bi-polar, or Fido employee in my life... hit me.

Then again, what does that say about me?
I don't always set the best standard for myself.

It seems i allow myself to suffer fools.
To let people put me down when they should be encouraging me.
Especially when i have done nothing but encourage them, you'd think they give back, the fuckers.

Very few people support me in my life.
And that has made it hard for me to push forward with my ideas.

On the other hand, when you have no one else but yourself to fall back on, you find yourself guided by the ultimate freedom.
Either because no one "gets" you, trusts you, wants to be around you, or only wants to fuck your ass when they are high on cocaine.

In either case, I rarely give a rat's ass what people have to say about me.
Also being terribly un-apologetic in regards to that annoys the hell out of people.
I annoy the hell out of people.
I'm rigid and leave very little room for negotiation when it comes to people's ideas of me.

Their perception may or may not be way off from the reality of it all.
Irrelevant.

If they are going to challenge me, they better come ready with an arsenal of valid points and arguments. And cheesecake.

Until I decide a change is due, no change will be given.

People tell me that maybe I don't negotiate enough.
People tell me that maybe I'm too uptight. Too angry.
I tell people that maybe they should stick to their gardening and TMZ.
Go fuck your mistress, go home to watch the game with your wife and mind your business.

There's a reason I don't ask for people's advice: I have no use for it.
Something else people find irritating about me.

What works for them may or may not work for me, so why the hell am i asking?

So that I can sleep better?
So I don't constipate?
So I feel good enough about my choices i don't feel the need to do a line or empty a bottle of, oh i don't know, gin.
So that i don't feel so alone in my choices.

That doesn't work for me.
Most of the time.

The choice is mine to make.
The risk is mine to take.

Which brings me back to the beginning.
A very good place to start.

Freedom.
Why is the freedom i have fought so hard to obtain always cluttered with obstacles?
Why am i not using it more?
Am i chicken shit?

I have me.
And i appreciate that.
I appreciate the love and security i have in my life.
Oh sure, i'd love to make more money.
Shitloads of money.
To travel.
To teach.
To dance.
To create.

The furthest i have traveled recently is the South Shore.
Exotic.
Different culture.
People there wear white pants.
It's different.
Not what i have in mind.

The teach and dance thingys are limited to a package deal for the moment, as one implies the other.
I teach dance, and if i am dancing, i am more often than not, teaching.

And the only thing i've created for myself (aside from the circumstances in which i find myself today) is this blog.

Hot.
I don't know why some guy hasn't snatched me up yet.

I've always trusted my instinct.
And of the rare times I haven't, it has ended up being the wrong choice for me.

So what does my instinct tell me now?

That it's time to move.
To make a move.
Any move.

Anything different than six-step would be good right now.

There Was A Time When...

My parents were parents.
And i was a child.

Then, one day, my parents ran away from home.
And i was a child.

And no one was left there but me.
And i was a child.

I was a child, deep inside me.
And as a child, i wondered if they would ever come home again.

They didn't.
They won't.

Who will take care of me now?